Columbia Spy

Columbia Spy is privileged to publish several articles by Columbia native Mike Clark, with permission of the author. The essays were previously published in The Globe Leader and 50-plus Senior News and will continue to be reprinted in the Spy over the next few weeks.

I found an outdated container of beef gravy in the back of our refrigerator while gathering ingredients for dinner.

My wife asked why I was placing it on the kitchen counter instead of immediately throwing it away. She pressed me on this simple little act because I do have a tendency to deposit dirty dishes in the sink and on the counter instead of putting them right into the dishwasher.

One requires more effort than the other, I guess.

So, I got defensive and replied somewhat flippantly that I needed to keep the rancid gravy there for several months as I was working on an empirical study to reject the null hypothesis that claims flies (and other critters) are not spontaneously generated from inorganic substances.

A scientist used mutton gravy in one of the original studies, but beef gravy, I thought, would serve the same purpose for my experiment, which I wasn’t going to do anyway.

It’s not necessary to understand the preceding arcane, scientific jargon. The theory of spontaneous generation is antiquated and obscure (and long ago debunked). The reason I thought of it is probably because I’m also antiquated and obscure (and often debunked).

Also, it was my way of temporarily evading further discussion about my indolence. I didn’t want to waste my time on any discussion of that. That’s mostly because my wife has plenty of evidence to support her hypothesis that I am somewhat indolent.

I had another incident with leftover chicken gravy not so long ago. The forgotten glop had dehydrated into a crackled yellow plug that easily dropped out of the plastic storage cup when I ditched it, which made for a neat and easy disposal. It just made a muffled plunk when it hit the trash can.

Don’t ask me why leftover gravy so seldom gets used in our house. Maybe it’s because we only make gravy in small measures and very little goes unused during a meal. What’s left can easily get jammed to the back of the refrigerator and overlooked.

Gravy is not the only leftover that gets shuffled throughout the refrigerator until it is forgotten. If there really was statistical significance that beasties could be spontaneously generated from a variety of non-living substances, our refrigerator, at various times, could become a real and thriving ecosystem unto itself.

Perhaps a different organism could arise from each different leftover.

Imagine what living thing could slink from a neglected blue-green, furry tomato. What would you think if you opened the refrigerator door and saw a legless, gape-mouthed creature pop up from the casserole dish containing 2-month-old scalloped potatoes?

And what about the brute that could be growing inside a plastic vessel half full of dried-out baked beans? Could a new species of fowl be spawned from that leftover Thanksgiving turkey leg?

I can only imagine the screams of terror if I went for a glass of juice and saw the toothy grin of a scaly fiend just waiting to be set free from the crisper drawer. If ever there was a time when my wife needed to be there for me, that would be it.

My wife claims that there is a strong correlation between forgotten leftovers and my laziness. I reminded her that one of the basic tenets of statistics is that correlation does not imply causation.

Right then, I knew I had overplayed my hand.

Mike Clark writes a regular column for The Globe Leader newspaper in New Wilmington, Pa. He has a Bachelor of Science degree in organizational behavior/applied psychology from Albright College. Mike lives outside Columbia, Pa., and can be contacted at mikemac429@aol.com.

Shared superintendent in Lancaster County raises concerns:
http://fox43.com/2016/08/18/shared-superintendent-in-lancaster-county-raises-concerns/

Prudhomme’s Lost Cajun Kitchen, which has operated for 26 years in Columbia, will close at the end of September.
MORE:
http://lancasteronline.com/business/local_business/prudhomme-s-lost-cajun-kitchen-to-close-in-columbia/article_49266dc8-64c2-11e6-a3e4-63952b3a1534.html?utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook&utm_campaign=user-share

QUESTIONS ABOUT THE CONTRACT:
http://lancasteronline.com/insider/columbia-residents-question-hiring-of-former-school-board-president/article_9a3b4544-62dd-11e6-9f13-87d944a07d49.html

Columbia officials are outraged by vandalism in borough parks.
MORE:
http://lancasteronline.com/insider/community/vandalism-and-litter-plague-columbia-parks/article_4c76e238-63c7-11e6-93d9-73a0d5c34dff.html

Tom Strickler, the newly appointed Director of Operations for Columbia Borough School District will receive a salary of $94,000 plus the equivalent of $30,000 in benefits for his year-long contract, according to ELANCO Superintendent Dr. Robert Hollister.  The remainder of the $165,000 that Columbia is putting up will be deposited into ELANCO’s general fund.

A press contingent from Columbia news, views & reviews and Columbia Spy, as well as a Columbia resident, attended Monday’s ELANCO School Board meeting and spoke with Dr. Hollister after the meeting. The Columbia resident had requested to comment during the meeting but was denied because he was not an ELANCO resident. The board president denied him the right to speak, even though he had not yet identified himself as a non-resident.

Hollister explained that 10 people applied for the director’s position. Five were winnowed from the original pool, and three finalists were further interviewed, from which Strickler was chosen. Hollister declined to give the names of the other applicants.

Although he is technically an ELANCO employee, Strickler will run the day-to-day operations at Columbia.  Hollister will come to Columbia one day a week to oversee the operation. Asked why he would do so without financial compensation, Hollister replied, “I have an affinity for Columbia.” He added that he knows people from town. He said he believes the shared services agreement will give Columbia “better service at less cost.”

Hollister said he is the most transparent superintendent in the county and guarantees that Strickler will be “open and approachable.” Hollister added that he will attend this Thursday’s’s regular meeting of the Columbia School Board. Strickler is also expected to attend.